:: to whom it may concern ::

to whom it may concern,

all these while i kept quiet because nothing i say or do matter. when you ask, you only hear what you want to hear, not what i have to say. and whatever i do, is never enough for you. i kept quiet because i dont want to argue, i dont want to raise my voice, i dont want to be disrespectful and i dont want to sound condescending even when i am not.  

but please.. please dont pretend to care when you actually dont.. please dont say you do it for love when you actually do it to save your face.. what was said in that message, that is not true.. you did all that so tat your name and face is not tarnished by me, by us.. because if it is for love, then i wont be treated like a convict. 

i know i made a lot of mistakes. but if m punished every time i call or visit, and you expect me to put on a brave face and face whatever shit you throw at me every single time then i am sorry but i am not that person. i am not you. i can never be you. 

u always ask why he cant just send me there and go do whatever he wants. i tell you now. he's so afraid of what you might do to me. even when he's around i get punished behind his back, he cant even imagine what'll happen if he's not around. i cant blame him.

i'm sorry but i'm just so tired of trying to fit in, trying to belong and trying to please you. it will never be enough. 32 years now, still not enough. somehow i kept making more and more mistakes. 

truth is, he truly is my savior. if it wasnt for him, my life would have ended 2 years ago. you might not see it. but i've been emotionally tortured and abused ever since i can remember. u might think all ure doing is to bring me to the right path, but it made me go the other way even more. before i met him, every day brought me closer to the edge. and you might think your methods are pulling me in, but i think you can see now that it only pushed me further and further away until i cant find my way back to you. yeah i know what you're thinking now, there she goes trying to make herself look like a victim again. like u said the other day "whatever lah.."

oh yeah dont think i dont know about your scheming ways of trying to stop me and him from marrying once upon a time. i know. truth be told, as a devoted muslim, you should be more thankful that we grow stronger even with our financial problems, that we find ways to work things out, that we dont grow apart despite our problems unlike most couples. i want u to know that despite what you think of him, he is a good husband and i am grateful to be married to him.  

i know you expect me to come crying begging you to take me back after that message. but, to me kalau org dah tak sayang nk buat apa terhegeh2 lagi. that message wasnt sent because of love, it was sent to let me know i have been disowned. 

yes, i am happier now. am at peace. i found my place and myself again. never once thought of ending my life anymore. 

sincerely,

me

p/s: dont worry, one fine day i'll repay you.. i havent forgotten.